Second-best blues: how it feels to be the least favourite parent

Second-best blues: how it feels to be the least favourite parent

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I was inspired to write this post after the J had a crying fit because she didn’t want Mummy to put her to bed. She only wanted Daddy. And I have to say, it hurt my feelings (I may have the beginnings of PMT today, but I still feel this is a justified response).

We as Mothers don’t often have to play second-best with our children. In the traditional family model, it was the Mum who primarily looked after the kids (and so got to be the favourite) – it was certainly like that when I was growing up. These days things are very different and have certainly changed for the better in terms of shared parental duties etc. I always wanted Grump and I to have equal responsibility for the J and he is a very ‘hands on’ dad (I don’t like this phrase, as it implies that being ‘hands on’ is extra special and not just part of his job as a father, but you get my gist).

As Grump is a teacher, he has more time off than the average father to spend with our daughter. This works well for me, especially with freelancing, as it means I can take on more work in the school holidays, with free childcare to boot!

However, I have noticed that during those times when I am working more and Grump is in charge, the J goes off me. She constantly asks for Daddy, runs to him for cuddles and just seems disinterested in me.

She did this once before at around age 1. I vividly remember being at a friend’s son’s 1st birthday party that had a children’s entertainer. All the Mums were sat on the floor with the children, singing and joining in and the dads were stood at the side chatting. I tried to sit with the J, but she wasn’t having any of it. She wanted Daddy. And so I took on the role of a spectator with the other Dads and felt really left out. It hurts when you are not wanted. Granted it was nice to have a break and scoff down some party food, but I was embarrassed when every time I tried to pick up or cuddle my child she cried. I had spoken to a friend about this problem beforehand and she came up to me after the party and said that she had no idea how bad it was. Of course, over time things got better. Grump went back to work and Mummy was favourite again. But that party always sticks in my mind. I wonder if this is how many Dads feel on a regular basis?

As she has got older (now almost 17 months), the J has become more confident and now has close relationships with Grandma, Granny and her childminder. She is happy to be left with them, as well as myself and Grump. As her affections are split between more people, she tends to be happy with whoever is happy to play with, feed or cuddle her.

Over the last week or so, Grump has broken up on school holidays and he has become the firm favourite. I think this might also have something to do with the fact that he gives her more treats (fruit juice from his glass, chocolate etc), whereas I am perhaps a bit more strict (water only!!).

Tonight, it was me who spent 20 minutes singing songs with her, throwing balls down the hall way, and getting splashed during bath time. When we tried to get her ready for bed she kept running off and wouldn’t get dressed. Grump was unsuccessful at getting on her PJs and he admitted to me that it had taken him half an hour to get her dressed this morning. I decided to show him what I normally do, which involves firmly holding her down and putting clothes on her.

She cried a little, but nothing major and then Grump put his arms out for a cuddle and said “Horrible mummy”. Now I know he was joking, but the J is taking everything in at the moment and understands a lot. She looked at me with a heartbreaking stare as if to say, “I don’t like you”. Then she wouldn’t come to me for a cuddle. I had to tell Grump to leave the room and force a crying child to be cuddled until she had her milk and settled down. Not fun at all.

The only way I can describe that feeling is when you were younger and you fancied/had a massive crush on a boy, and you found out that they didn’t like you back. That sad sinking feeling. Your affections are not returned.

But when you’ve carried a baby for 9 months and gone through labour, you expect to get the best cuddles and kisses from your child – not Daddy who didn’t go through any pain (apart from a squashed hand). It’s not fair.

Now I’m sitting on the sofa, feeling put out. The answer…?

There isn’t one, except the knowledge that at some point the tables will turn and I will be her favourite again. Although it makes me sad to think that Grump will feel like this at some point, or has done in the past. Being number two just isn’t fun. A big shout out to all the Dads or Mums out there who know how I feel. But when they do run to you for a cuddle or desperately call you name, that feeling is so amazing and special that it makes all the other tough times worthwhile.

 

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Women at Work: copywriter and author

Women at Work: copywriter and author

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This week we have an experienced mum with three kids at school. She currently works from home and has done a few different jobs throughout her career before sticking at, what sounds like, her passion.

Name: Nicola Young

Current profession: copywriter and author

Town or county you live in: Sevenoaks

How did you get into copywriting?
I’ve been writing copy since I started my first job following university. I worked for the Food Standards Agency and wrote articles for trade magazines, text for leaflets, speeches and q&a’s for parliamentary question time, and answered enquiry emails. Every job I had after that always saw me gravitating towards anything involving the written word, so moving into copywriting was a natural step for me.

Briefly describe a typical day at work…
I work from home so there is no typical day for me. I have an office in the garden, so once the kids have gone to school and I’ve walked the dog, I’ll make myself a strong coffee and take myself down there for a few hours. What I do depends on what I’m working on, but generally, I do a lot of business blog articles, product copy and website pages. If I get time, I’ll do some editing, writing or planning for my fiction work.

What is the best part of your job?
I like the flexibility of what I do. I can go from meeting mode, to mum mode within five minutes and back again. That’s not for everyone, but it works for me.

And the worst?
Some of the things I have to write about aren’t of any interest to me, but it’s the nature of the job. I also find that some people aren’t prepared to pay very much and don’t appreciate how much research you have to do before you even begin to write the words.

How many children do you have?
I have three children – 13, 10 and eight.

How old was your child when you went back to work?
I first worked part time when my eldest daughter was just a few months old. I trained as an exercise-to-music instructor when I was pregnant! And ran a few classes in a local hall.

How did you find going back to work after having a baby?
It was hard because she didn’t particularly like being left with anyone else, but at the same time, I enjoyed those few hours of free time.

Did you go back to the same job? Or consider a career change?
This was a complete move away from the market research job I had pre-children. I didn’t start freelance copywriting until I’d had my third child.

Who provides childcare for you?
I don’t need childcare because they are all at school now.

Would you say your attitude to work has changed since having a baby?
My children are my priority and the older they get, the more they need me around for support. I would always make sure I work around them.

What advice would you give to mums on maternity leave?
If you think you might like to continue with your current career, I would advise you to keep your toe in the water. The longer you are away, the more difficult it is to get back into work mode. On the other side of things, don’t be afraid to reinvent yourself, if that’s what you think you might like to do. Having time off is the ideal opportunity to think about where you see your future career going.

Nicola Young is a freelance copywriter at Nicola Young Copywriter.

She writes children’s fiction under the name Nikki Young and runs a food and health blog at www.afreefromlife.com

 

 

Women at Work: Stay at home mum

Women at Work: Stay at home mum

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This week, the mum I have interviewed has an extremely demanding job that involves long unsociable hours, temperamental work colleagues and is completely unpaid. Yes, she is a stay at home mum (SAHM) or (as my cousin who is also a SAHM likes to say) she is working in the home!

Name: Victoria Whitewood

Current profession: Stay at home mum (SAHM)

Town or county you live in: Sevenoaks, Kent

What was your profession before you had children?
Deputy Headteacher

Why did you decide not to return to work?
A few reasons contributed to this:

  • I have loved being at home with my daughter Kitty full time much more than I had thought I would. I had thought I might want to return to work in some capacity, although I definitely knew I would not want to be full time again. As the time drew closer to go back, I knew I didn’t want to.
  • Teaching is not set hours and I didn’t want to go back to marking all hours once I am back at home. Now we have a baby, I want to make sure that my husband Chris and I get some time together of an evening.
  • I can easily go back to teaching at a later date. (Especially if the worrying shortage of teachers continues.)
  • I have a health issue and decided that at this moment, returning to teaching would not be the right thing for us as a family.

How many children do you have?
One.

Briefly describe a typical day…
Sometime between 6-7am we wake up and I get Kitty changed and dressed, head downstairs and get her morning bottle ready. I normally give her to her Dad so he can feed her bottle while I feed our animals (we have cats and rabbits). I try to jump in the shower while Chris is still at home, as Kitty is at that stage where grabbing the shower screen and throwing things into the running water constitutes fun for her (and nobody else).

In the morning we normally do an activity, could be a class or playgroup, but if we aren’t going out then I will try to do a messy play or an activity at home to break up the day for us both. Lunch is sometime between 12-1pm, depending on what time she wakes up. Sometimes she naps in the morning, or sometimes after lunch; her routine isn’t quite set yet. In the afternoon we do lots of play and always lots of listening to music, which is one of Kitty’s favourite things to do; thankfully I have quite a few CDs for her, which keeps it fresh for me!

Dinner about is about 5.30pm and afterwards, we play in living room, but this playtime can be more subdued than earlier in the day as she is often starting to get tired (although sometimes she can suddenly find a ton of energy!).

Bath time every other day at about 7pm; bottle around 7:15pm; and bed time about 7:30pm.

What is the best part of being a SAHM?
Not missing out on anything that my gorgeous girl does. At this moment in time, laughing every day with her is the best thing in the world. She is so funny and loves playing games and I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

And the worst?
Occasionally losing sight of the fact that I am not just a mum. There are tough times and, when things are tricky, it is easy to get bogged down in it all – especially if there is a severe lack of sleep involved. I had a few days away recently and that has totally reinvigorated me.

What advice would you give to mums on maternity leave?
Enjoy it, whether you are returning to work or not. Spend time with other mums, as that support network can make such a difference in the early, often disconcerting days, but also as time goes on. Baby classes are a great way to get out and about. I had some quite tough times with Kitty’s tongue-tie affecting feeding and then she had awful reflux; it would have been easy to stay home and not see people, but getting out definitely made it all seem better. Even being able to hand over my baby to someone else for five minutes made a huge difference. Getting out of the house can be hard, but it is totally worth it, even if you are very late for something.

Do you have any tips for other SAHMs?
Take some time for yourself each week if you can; I know this isn’t always possible for everyone depending on family and/or partner circumstances or support, so it is easy to say, but for me, it makes all the difference. Buddying up with another mum can work to give each other a short break if you don’t have the family support available.

Women at Work: exam invigilator and clerk to school govenors

Women at Work: exam invigilator and clerk to school govenors

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This week we meet Laura, who has three kids and three jobs! There seems to be a recurring theme with the levels of multi-tasking each working mum I interview manages to undertake. I can see why Laura’s blog is called Musings of a tired mummy!

Name: Laura

Current profession: exam invigilator at one school, clerk to governors at two other schools, and blogger!

Town or county you live in: Camberley

How did you get into your school-based jobs?

I did both roles as part of a previous job from before I had children. I wanted something part time that I could fit around my family. It took a long time of applying and failing before I got the first job and then within a year I’d got the other two as well. Eight months ago I started blogging to allow myself to be a bit creative and let the world know that parenting is crazy.

Briefly describe a typical day at work…

Exams are spread through the year, obviously most in May and June. We arrive and set up the exam room with the papers etc, then supervise the candidates while they do their best (hopefully)! Clerking involves me taking minutes at meetings and writing them up. I’m also responsible for filing and other admin. I spend a lot of time at my computer, checking emails and organising. Blogging happens everywhere! I lay in bed, on the school run, cooking, out and about, watching tv; I’m always thinking of topics and have to jot them down or write a note on my phone to remember them.

What is the best part of your jobs?

The variety in all of them. The exams are always varied; I like the music and languages exams best, as they are more interesting but more can go wrong if the CD player breaks down! Every meeting is different and every governor brings something special to the schools I work at – they are deeply committed to providing the best for the children. Blogging is something that is just about me and my family; a chance for me to express myself, as my kids generally don’t listen.

And the worst?

Seeing kids in exams not even trying and waiting for other people to get back to me before the school run so I can sign off for the day and concentrate on my family. Oh and finding time to blog!

How many children do you have?

Three.

How old were your children when you went back to work?

Matthew was four and Anya was two when I got the exam invigilator job. I worked the very next day after having Zach (!) for clerking and invigilated an exam within a month.

How did you find going back to work after having a baby?

I wanted to get a job to set a good example to my children and be able to afford treats. It is hard leaving them, but most of the time I can work around the older two’s school hours.

Did you go back to the same job? Or consider a career change?

I was training to be an educational psychologist while working as a teaching assistant in a primary school. I simply couldn’t afford to continue, as the childcare costs were higher than my wages.

Who provides childcare for you?

My mum during the day and my partner in the evenings.

Was it easy to negotiate flexible working/returning to work?

I set my hours around the kids with the exception of Zach who is more than happy to go to my mum for a couple of hours (never longer than three).

Would you say your attitude to work has changed since having a baby?

Definitely. I used to begrudge working parents having time off and making my day harder. Now I am much more sympathetic and realise how busy parents are!

What advice would you give to mums on maternity leave?

Don’t feel guilty: whatever you decide is best for your family.

Laura’s blog is called Musings of a tired mummy…zzz…

Women at Work: Content Marketing Director

Women at Work: Content Marketing Director

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Hi, I’m Hayley, a 30-year-old new mum living with my husband, one-year-old son and our dog in rural Devon.

Current profession
I went back to work part time in January and am currently working as Content Marketing Director for a national retail company. I also write a parenting, food and lifestyle blog called Devon Mama in my spare time.

Town or county you live in: Devon!

How did you get into content marketing?
My route into content marketing isn’t the traditional one. I’ve worked at the same company since I was 13 and a Saturday girl. It’s a family company and with almost all of my family involved, I was bound to end up there. Prior to going to university to study Business and Management, I worked for 12 months as a Marketing Assistant. I credit that with being one of the best and worst jobs I had, I worked directly for the Marketing Director and would cry relentlessly as my work was never ‘good’ enough to meet his standards. It both put me off marketing and inspired me to do better.

After leaving university, I came back to the company and joined as a buyer, quite different from my previous experience! In our organisation it still allowed me to have input with product presentation and promotion, especially as I was sourcing and developing own-brand products from the Far East. Over the years I worked my way up to Procurement Manager before joining the Board as Procurement Director back in 2014. My role at that stage was overseeing all products and stock from conception through to it leaving the organisation to go to the customer, giving me a team of 15 and a budget of £25 million annually. I was still heavily involved in promotion planning and worked closely with our branding and marketing team throughout.

As time progressed we realised there was a gap for a content marketing team. Previously our copy and content product was spread across various individuals in the company, each technically employed to do another job! In 2015 I set up a small team, working directly with them to develop how we presented and promoted our products digitally. It fitted well alongside my procurement role even if it was two very different skills and sides of my brain!

When I had my son, I started to look at which parts of my role would have to go in order to accommodate a shorter working week. I realised quickly that I wasn’t prepared to lose my marketing role and with that, stepped aside as Procurement Director. Since that point, I’ve brought all content production into one team allowing us to give a clear, branded and consistent message. I actually bumped into my old boss the other day, he couldn’t believe it had taken me this long to get back into marketing!

Briefly describe a typical day at work…
A typical day at work for me starts at 7.30am. I get into the office, grab a drink and get settled in. That first 30 minutes before everyone else arrives is the golden time – I get so much done! As a Director I’m expected to still be ‘on’ when I’m at home, so I tend to do a quick pre-check of my emails the night before and first thing in the morning. When I’m in the office I start by going through my inbox and getting any quick wins out of the way first. I have sign off for all content, which means I spend a huge chunk of my day editing and proofing work before signing off; sometimes that can take minutes, other times hours.

Around 8.30am I go into a Director’s briefing where we discuss any issues arising, sales and performance. After that, it’s usually meetings with people in my team to catch up on what they’re doing, chat through ideas and sort any issues. I operate fairly openly with my team, nothing is off the table (unless it’s ridiculous), so there are always plenty of ideas and suggestions to talk through. Over lunch I’ll do a bit more copy reading, check emails and sign off adverts or marketing materials; unfortunately, part-time hours mean that a lunch break is a necessity I just don’t have time for these days.

In the afternoon we’ll have a campaign planning meeting, getting the entire team together to plan and schedule campaigns. We work 3-6 months ahead as a minimum, thankfully a habit I’m used to from my days in Buying… it can lead to being very fed up with Christmas by the time it comes round! Finally, I usually end up dealing with staff issues or a management issue such as strategy work at the end of the day. I sign off at 4.30pm to pick up my son before going home to another hour or so on the sofa later.

What is the best part of your job?
The team. One of the best bits of bringing together a relatively new team is being able to handpick them. They all come from different backgrounds and have different levels of experience and technical knowledge, but somehow it just works. I’m also very lucky to have a hugely supportive team of fellow Directors; my desk is in a corner with three of them and we’re constantly collaborating, discussing and laughing. I also love the flexibility I have. If I need to swap a day in the office, I can. If I need to leave early, I can. It’s taken some adjustment, but it works well for us at the moment.

And the worst?
Ha! Being part time also has its downsides. It’s very difficult to be in a high-level job and not be there 24/7. It’s not as if my job role ceases to function or can be covered when I’m not in the office, which means I have to be constantly available. People often think it’s easy being at the top of the management structure and while it does have huge benefits, it’s also the worst bit of my job. Ultimately, the buck stops with me. If one of my team make an error or something goes out incorrectly, it’s on me. It’s my role to develop and support those working for me and prevent mistakes from happening.

As a Director, there is no-one really above you, which means that you are expected to have the answers and the fixes. I’d often look over my shoulder as if someone more senior was going to be stood there and answer the question I’d been asked! I’ve had to make tough decisions that go against my personal feelings in order to put the company’s best interests first, including making roles of people I like redundant. It’s an incredible feeling having that responsibility; it can be very stressful, very lonely and completely exhausting.

How many children do you have?
I have a son born in May 2016.

How old was your child when you went back to work?
I planned to return to work in September 2016, but didn’t feel quite ready. I took back the Content Marketing part of my role at that stage, working from home while my maternity cover was on an extended holiday. I loved it but it just proved that I wasn’t mentally ready to return to work! From September onwards I returned to work for Board Meetings and in January 2017 I went back to work properly.

How did you find going back to work after having a baby?
Oh gosh. I found going back to work with a baby so much harder than I thought I would! Even though I felt ready, I don’t think you can ever fully be ready for that change again. It helps that my son loves his childcare, but there are days when I don’t get to see him in the morning, meaning I get an hour with him maximum. I find myself riddled with guilt about leaving him when I’m in work and guilt about not working more when I’m at home. It’s tricky!

Did you go back to the same job? Or consider a career change?
I went back to an element of my old job. I genuinely considered not returning for a long time. I looked at our finances and realised that although we could cope, we would be doing just that; coping. We wouldn’t be able to afford to do anything beyond that. I looked at stepping down from a management role but decided it would be a huge backwards step for me and leave me frustrated. If I’m going to leave my baby, I want it to be for something worthwhile.

Who provides childcare for you?
My son goes to nursery one-and-a-half days a week and to my mum for one day. I was nervous about both of those options, but he loves the nursery and has come on leaps and bounds since joining there and being among other, older, children. With my mum, it’s been wonderful to see their relationship blossom and develop. I grew up close to my grandparents and I want the same for my son.

Was it easy to negotiate flexible working/returning to work?
My work has been very accommodating of me returning to work on a part-time basis. We’ve never had a part-time Director before, so I do feel a pressure to make sure that I’m constantly over-performing in order to show it can work.

Would you say your attitude to work has changed since having a baby?
Definitely. I’m still career driven, but I now know that it’s okay to take my foot off the gas a little! I find myself far more appreciative of part-time workers and other working primary caregivers. I used to think it would be easy working part time, but now I realise it’s anything but. I don’t do 3/5ths of my old job. I just do it in 3/5ths of the time for 3/5ths of the pay! On the flip side, I’m far less tolerant of office politics. I’ve not left my own child at home to have to come and deal with ‘children’ at work. I put it down to tiredness and a lack of patience these days!

What advice would you give to mums on maternity leave?
Enjoy it! I spent so long worrying about what I was missing, whether I could go back part time and then how I’d cope, that I forgot to enjoy it half the time. Spend some time doing proper research into childcare with plenty of notice; we had to book our nursery place prior to our son even being born. Good childcare that you trust removes one of those horrible guilt-inducing stressors.

Finally, be realistic about what you can manage. It’s all very well returning to work part time, but that does mean your role needs to be adapted to suit that. Likewise, with full time, don’t over commit yourself to the point that you’re running yourself ragged. You’ve got a full-time role at home as well, parenting doesn’t change to part time or flexi hours… be kind to yourself about what you can achieve. Most of all, know that what’s right for you may not be right for another. Don’t feel guilty for wanting to be back at work (or not!). Your career. Your family. Your choice. Not the neighbour’s, the woman at Tesco’s or your mum’s. Yours.

Women at Work: Customer Services & Business Owner

Women at Work: Customer Services & Business Owner

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This week we meet Becky, another busy mum (are there any of us who aren’t busy?) who works part-time in customer services as her ‘day job’, as well as running her own meal-planning company in her spare time!

Name: Becky Hulme

Current profession: Day job in Customer Services. Every other moment: Creator of Mums Meal Planner (mumsmealplanner.co.uk)

Town or county you live in: Near Blackpool

How did you get into being Creator of Mums Meal Planner?
While feeding baby no. 2 at approx 3am one morning, I was wondering what to make for tea that day, when I had the idea for Mums Meal Planner. I’ve always liked a challenge and there it was: create a business and make it work – eeek!

Briefly describe a typical day at work…
I work part time at my ‘day job’, so on a work day it’s up early and prepare for the challenge of getting everyone fed, washed, dressed and out of the door in the hope I get to work on time! Once at work, I have a cup of tea (a hot one) then start work. I deal with customer enquiries and whatever is required. Come home time, it’s another rush to get home to make sure I get there before nursery closes. Once we’re home, family time closely followed by bed time, then I start again with work for Mums Meal Planner. Anything from creating menus, to social media posts.

What is the best part of your job?
The creation of Mums Meal Planner was exciting. I had input into each and every aspect of the business, from website colours to email marketing. I get such a buzz each time I have a new customer. I’m looking forward to when I can afford to make it my full-time job, which will (hopefully) allow me the flexibility to work around my children.

And the worst?
The business is in the very early stages at the moment, so it’s hard work holding down a job, looking after my family and also doing everything needed for Mums Meal Planner. I could really do with another ‘me’ for a few days a week. (Not sure my husband would agree though!)

How many children do you have?
Two.

How old was your child when you went back to work?
My eldest was five months when I went back and my youngest was nine months.

How did you find going back to work after having a baby?
It was hard and enlightening. I realised I’d changed, but wasn’t quite sure who I was. I still loved work, but also had a little person at home that I couldn’t bear to be away from. Having a baby made time so much more precious. It made me better at my job, as time was a luxury I didn’t have anymore and I made every second count at home with my family.

Did you go back to the same job? Or consider a career change?
I went back to the same job. I’d been there since the company started and a career change didn’t enter my head. After having baby no 2, I knew I couldn’t go back as the Manager, as I couldn’t give the role the time it deserved, but I still needed to be challenged.

Who provides childcare for you?
Grandparents and nursery.

Was it easy to negotiate flexible working/returning to work?
I am lucky to have an understanding boss, who is also a family man. He was very accommodating when we discussed my working hours after my return to work.

Would you say your attitude to work has changed since having a baby?
YES! Before it was work 1st, 2nd & last (hubby came somewhere in the middle). Now, it’s family 1st. They’re only small once. You can always make more money, but you can never get the time back.

What advice would you give to mums on maternity leave?
Try to enjoy every moment. It’s hard, hard work and a constant fact-finding mission, but you will be OK. (And baby & toddler groups are a God send!)

Grumblings of a Granny: “Let them eat dirt”

Grumblings of a Granny: “Let them eat dirt”

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Here’s another classic blog post from my Mum. It’s pretty much her just moaning again about how good/bad/different things were in the ‘old days’. Yes, we know life was tough. You didn’t have cute videos of cats on Facebook to cheer you up or mobile phones or even proper nappies.
Disclaimer: my Mum grew up in the 1950s when there were either fewer paedophiles or parents’ were less aware of the dangers of letting their children wander around wherever they liked. In the mid-1990s, my brother and I had a fairly idyllic childhood in a beautiful part of Kent and spent many happy days playing in the local rec, woods and farm, so I can vouch for the benefits of being allowed to get muddy, climb trees and build camps. Hopefully, I will also be able to pass this on to my daughter, as my Mum did for us. And then she can pass it on to her children, although by the time the J has kids there probably won’t be such a thing as outside; it will all be virtual reality and living in metal cubes with robot servants.

“Let them eat dirt”

What is it about parents today that makes them want to protect their offspring from the evils of mud, dirt, sand, the weather and most things natural?
As a child growing up, I was allowed to play unaccompanied in the local recreation ground, make camps in the woods, collect worms in a tin and make perfume from flower petals. I expect my mother did make us wash our hands before meals, but I don’t remember doing it!
As one of four kids, we stayed outside in our small garden ’till dusk riding around on our trikes (we only had two between us and only one of them was any good, so much of the day involved fighting over said trike) until called in for a bath. Everything seemed so carefree back then. My Dad made us a sandpit and a rope swing tied to a tree. In the summer, out came a paddling pool and a makeshift slide into it, giving us endless fun.

These days, however, according to my source at the toy shop, sandpit sales have slumped (we bought the J one for her birthday) as Mums just don’t want the mess at home. They would rather pay for an experience in play park or petting zoo, with easy access to antibacterial soaps etc. Organised mess is OK, but not in my back garden.
I used to climb high trees, make things from twigs, collect dead baby birds (yes I did) and take them home because I felt sorry for them. My favourite scooter went everywhere with me, exploring roads I didn’t know existed – we had such freedom. My daughter is horrified at my recollections, but that was what it was like. There was no ‘stranger danger’ back then, just an awareness of any weirdos who needed a wide berth.
But as for getting messy, please let your children explore outside, risk ruining clothes, getting stains that maybe won’t come out. Let them experience knocks and grazes, cuts and splinters and then live to tell the tale.
Childhood is so short these days before pressure is put on them and responsibilities taken up, so PLEASE let them eat dirt before they are too old.

Women at Work: Marketing & PR Manager

Women at Work: Marketing & PR Manager

 

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Nicola with her son RLT, who is 10 months old

Ever wondered what it’s like to work part-time in marketing and PR, as well as raise a child? First-time mum Nicola tells all about her return to work after having her son…

 

Name: Nicola Crabstix from iamcrabstix.com

Current profession: Marketing & PR Manager

Town or county you live in: Durham

How did you get into Marketing & PR?
I was originally a marketing and student recruitment manager where I was in charge of marketing and sales for an education establishment. However, the business strategy changed five years in; we went from recruiting students regionally to nationally and my job got MASSIVE. Like 55 hours a week massive. So they split the department in two and I took the marketing side as it was more strategic and a better fit for what I prefer to do!

Briefly describe a typical day at work…
There isn’t one! Depending on where we are in the recruitment cycle I could be writing copy, redeveloping a website, sitting in meetings to plan new courses, project planning recruitment campaigns or art directing photography for recruitment campaigns.

What is the best part of your job?
That no day is the same!

And the worst?
Always being the bad guy. Because with marketing there are infinite possibilities of what you can do, everyone has ideas, but sadly my job is to do what has maximum impact within the resource we have. Because many of the things I do can’t be seen such as SEO, I tend to spend half of my life justifying my existence. I take it to heart every single time too, as I know how much effort I’ve put into my job and the sacrifices I’ve made.

How many children do you have?
I have one, a little mini gent called RLT. He is 10 months old.

How old was your child when you went back to work?
RLT was eight and a half months. I went back on 3rd March 2017.

How did you find going back to work after having a baby?
I’m still adjusting. My maternity leave cover vanished about three weeks before I returned and my graphic designer left while I was off, so I’ve got a massive black hole of 10 months of information. It’s been so hard as I have to hit deadlines, but there is 10 months strategy missing. I could cry most days.

Did you go back to the same job? Or consider a career change?
I went back to the same job. Work have been pretty great approving my flexible working, I’d consider early retirement if it were an option, but not a new career.

Who provides childcare for you?
I work full-time but compressed hours over four days, my mum has RLT three of those and my partner has him the other day. He is a journalist, so having weekend cover is great for his business and also good for our family!

Was it easy to negotiate flexible working/returning to work?
My boss was great; I discussed flexible working with him informally and he agreed instantly. I never had a ‘return to work’ meeting that I know other people had. I’m not sure why.

Would you say your attitude to work has changed since having a baby?
I tried to not get so frustrated by it and leave it at work. That lasted about a week. My third week back someone had a go at me for simply doing my job and said I’d come in to something at the end because I was off ‘bearing children’ and made me feel like I wasn’t committed to my job because I’d chosen to have a family. I called in sick the next day; I got very upset by that.

What advice would you give to mums on maternity leave?
Enjoy every second. You don’t have to go out and spend loads of money, just appreciate the everyday things. Oh and get a cleaner, you’ve got better things to do!

 

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Nicola’s advice for new mums is to enjoy maternity leave and get a cleaner!

 

Women at Work: Science teacher

Women at Work: Science teacher

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This week we have a post from a busy mum, teacher and blogger, who wishes to remain anonymous.

 

Current profession: Teacher

Town or county you live in: Staffordshire

How did you get in to teaching ?
Once I found out at the age of 10 or 11 that I really couldn’t deal with other people’s bodily fluids, my dreams of becoming a doctor were quickly changed. At the same time, I discovered my quite bossy nature and the thought of 30-odd teenagers being forced to listen to me ramble on for an hour was quite appealing.

To be truthful, my teachers were my rock at a time when all I needed was a place to just be myself. They were always there for me and school was a place where I could develop on a personal and intellectual level the way I wanted to – something that, oddly, I felt unable to do outside of school. I wanted to put back into the system what I’d got out. In my home country, I couldn’t combine my love of languages with my love of science and teach both, so I ended up emigrating to England and teach science here. I’ve always been one for compromises.

Briefly describe a typical day at work…
My working day starts at 7am with the half-hour commute to work. By 7.30am I typically collect all the paperwork from my various in-trays, check whether I’ve been put onto the cover list, prepare my lesson resources and catch up with colleagues about student issues.

I then teach five one-hour lessons and a tutor session, with little time in between to have food or pop to the loo at break time. We usually have an after-school club, revision sessions or meetings going on after school, so my day at work usually finishes around 4.30pm and I can collect the children by 5pm. After I have successfully got my baby to sleep, I have to cram in 2-3 hours’ worth of marking, planning and paperwork before it’s time for bed.

What is the best part of your job?
The children. No two days are the same and they always come out with a gem or two during the school day. I also love preparing resources and seeing the children’s faces when their hard work pays off.

And the worst?
Apart from the massive workload, it is probably the knowledge that there are still some people who don’t see all the hard work we put in to make our students as successful as we can. It is disappointing when you do everything in your power to do the best job possible and have some people questioning your competence over issues out of your control.

How many children do you have?
I have two children – a daughter aged 9 and a son, who is 8 months old.

How old was your child when you went back to work?
I was still at university with my first, but went back when she was 11 months old. My son was 7 months when I started work again.

How did you find going back to work after having a baby?
It can be stressful, but I just try to be really organised. I have all my son’s lunches batch-cooked and frozen for the week ahead; I put all his clothes for the week in little organiser pockets for each day; and I prepare everyone’s sandwiches the night before. I do the washing exclusively at weekends and my husband and I stick to a strict routine during the week, with set tasks for each of us. I’ve just realised how stressful that sounds, but because we know exactly what needs doing, it actually works rather smoothly.

Did you go back to the same job? Or consider a career change?
I have gone back to the same job for a term, but when I was on maternity leave I interviewed for a new job – still in teaching, but a promotion to the next higher position. Money was a big consideration, as was the increased job satisfaction, which comes with greater responsibility.

Who provides childcare for you?
We have organised a childminder. Childcare is by far our biggest cost.

Was it easy to negotiate flexible working/returning to work?
Yes; all I had to do was fill in a form.

Would you say your attitude to work has changed since having a baby?
It has, in a way. I have to accept that there are only so many hours in the day to do my job, so work has to contract to fit around everything else. I also try to use the weekends and the holidays to spend time with my family and work extra efficiently during the week to compensate. I have to be organised and know exactly what I am doing. It helps that I have been teaching for quite a while, so I can put a lesson together pretty quickly.

What advice would you give to mums on maternity leave?
Make the most of it! Towards the end I did question whether I had done enough with my boy, whether I had spent enough time with my daughter and exposed both to enough experiences. Some things have changed so much since I have been back at work. I stopped breastfeeding and didn’t even realise it would be the last time I fed him one night. So I would say, enjoy every moment. And get your partners to take those pictures.

A well as being a teacher, this multi-tasking mum writes a positive parenting, lifestyle and cooking blog called How to Rock at Parenting.